**Warning: if you are hyper-sensitive, you may not want to read this. Just wanted to warn you.**
Please do not let what I'm about to share discourage you from sharing your pregnancy with me. I am excited for you and somewhat invested (you'll see why) in this little wonder you are carrying. The grieving of our loss does not mean we cannot delight in your gain!
The past four and a half weeks have been tumultuous. On March 20th, I found out (a little earlier than expected) that we would be expecting our third child. Well, fourth really, because of the miscarriage I had in November. We were excited but cautiously so. The following week I had some bleeding. I thought for sure that I was miscarrying. I saw the doctor and she was concerned but said she would check my hormone levels to see if the pregnancy was still progressing. We saw a small sac on the ultrasound but the baby was too small to see.
I had my hormone levels checked and they were not doubling every 48 hours like they were supposed to. The doctor told me that I might still lose the baby. I had some spirit-filled women praying for me during that time (and probably still :) ). It was awesome to have peace guarding my heart and mind through it all. Since my bleeding had stopped, my doctor wanted to see me again. She did an ultrasound and saw that the sac had grown (baby was still too small to see) and the blood clot that had been hovering over baby had dramatically decreased in size. We were hopeful. They checked my levels one more time just to make sure.
I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my levels still hadn't doubled and that they did not considered this a viable pregnancy. I was heart broken. However, I still believed that the Lord could do whatever He wanted with this baby. I even had dreams about him...yes, him. The name Elijah settled in my heart for him. I had a dream of a single flame burning in my womb...however, I think the flame had two meanings. One, that this baby was fiery and two, that this journey would be a refining fire for me.
I went back for another ultrasound. As I stepped off the elevator, I glanced at a woman walking down the hall. Her shirt said, "expect miracles." I felt hopeful and peaceful. We saw and heard the heartbeat that day. Such a beautiful sight and sound!
A whole week went by and another ultrasound showing a growing baby with a strong heart beat. I was still told I wasn't out of the woods yet...that this was still a threatened pregnancy. Three days after the last sonogram, I started bleeding again. This time, I felt like, was it. I waited to call the doctor. Only after the urging of my friend did I call her. She saw me immediately. The ultrasound showed, yet again, a growing baby with even a stronger heart beat. I was hopeful and even joyful but still perplexed. Why was I bleeding?
The bleeding did not stop. I miscarried last Friday. Matt and I were able to pray over the little baby (barely over 1 cm) before we let it go. It was truly a healing time. There has been a text that resonates with me so much lately...
2 Samuel 12:22 - 23..."While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, 'Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?' But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
It sounds sad, but it's so hopeful...to be reunited with our little Elijah...to know that David grieved as we grieve and hoped as we hope. Through all of this, the Lord has still shown Himself to be good and do good. He has been gracious to rescue this child from a life of pain and heartache to be with Him in glory. How merciful is our God?
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16 - 18
My due date was officially December 2nd...but the internet said November 29th. I was pulling for November 29th :) I would have been 8 weeks around today. I am praying that you have a completely uneventful and healthy pregnancy with a sweet baby to hold in December. I love you, sweet friend. I hope I haven't shared too much. Unfortunately, you asked me how I am and I'm not one to say "fine."