Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Life Goes On

"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Life goes on...oh...la, la, la, la, life goes on"

I can't help but sing that song from the early nineties t.v. series when I see the words "life goes on." The phrase is most definitely trite and overused but very much true. Until Christ shatters the heavens and steps physically back into our world again, life, as we know it, will go on. Winter will turn to spring, spring to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter. Families will rejoice with the birth of a new child. Mothers-to-be will mesmerizingly rub their swollen bellies as they feel the first few flutters of life within them. Children will learn to ride their bikes without training wheels. Lovers will enter into a lifelong covenant with each other, for better or worse. Fabulous food and heartfelt laughter will be shared around the dinner table. Homework will be demanded and discipline enacted. All around us, life goes on.

There is great joy and comfort in these things. Familiarity. Things going the way they should. Life following the expected course. There is nothing wrong with it. It is the experience of common grace. How gracious is the Father that He would let us enjoy such life?

And, how gracious is the Father that He would let us enjoy such loss?

That might offend some. I'm sure many will not agree. It is not by my own might or strength that I can utter such a phrase, but rather, His spirit within me. I cannot pick up the scriptures without facing God's mercy through His allowance of suffering. The apostles did not escape it. We, as those in the "last days", are guaranteed it. By His grace, it fosters within us steadfastness (James 1), genuineness of faith (1 Peter 1) and power (2 Corinthians 12). It also reminds us that there must be more than this (2 Corinthians 4 & 5).

Yes, there is mercy and grace in life going on...but there is also mercy and grace in life stopping for a bit. In a woman losing her 75-year-old husband after 49 years of marriage. In a woman losing her twentysomething husband after 3 years of marriage. In a woman losing her 2-and-a-half hour-old daughter. In my loss of my two unborn babies.

This has been a gift. A bittersweet reminder of true reality: this is not our home. We were not made for this. There must be more than this.

"For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life." 2 Corinthians 5:2 - 4

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Thank you for the incredible prayers, words of encouragement, Scripture and such. My heart is truly lifted and the Prince of Peace is guarding it so sweetly. I feel so loved by Him even in the pain. I have read every word you have written at least once. I find great comfort in knowing there are so many brothers and sisters praying for us.

I decided to buy a small scrapbook to document our journey with Elijah. I started it today while the kids were at MDO. There's something about being creative...whether that's drawing, painting, writing, singing, music...that helps me process all that's in my heart. I feel there is a song somewhere deep down. I'm doing my best to hold still while the Lord draws it out.

We would appreciate your continued covering of prayer over our family. Matt has a full schedule these next couple of weeks. Please pray for the Lord's nearness to each of us. Thank you. You are loved and appreciated.

Monday, April 21, 2008

A Letter to a Pregnant Friend (Among Many :) )

**Warning: if you are hyper-sensitive, you may not want to read this. Just wanted to warn you.**

Hey girl...

Please do not let what I'm about to share discourage you from sharing your pregnancy with me. I am excited for you and somewhat invested (you'll see why) in this little wonder you are carrying. The grieving of our loss does not mean we cannot delight in your gain!

The past four and a half weeks have been tumultuous. On March 20th, I found out (a little earlier than expected) that we would be expecting our third child. Well, fourth really, because of the miscarriage I had in November. We were excited but cautiously so. The following week I had some bleeding. I thought for sure that I was miscarrying. I saw the doctor and she was concerned but said she would check my hormone levels to see if the pregnancy was still progressing. We saw a small sac on the ultrasound but the baby was too small to see.

I had my hormone levels checked and they were not doubling every 48 hours like they were supposed to. The doctor told me that I might still lose the baby. I had some spirit-filled women praying for me during that time (and probably still :) ). It was awesome to have peace guarding my heart and mind through it all. Since my bleeding had stopped, my doctor wanted to see me again. She did an ultrasound and saw that the sac had grown (baby was still too small to see) and the blood clot that had been hovering over baby had dramatically decreased in size. We were hopeful. They checked my levels one more time just to make sure.

I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my levels still hadn't doubled and that they did not considered this a viable pregnancy. I was heart broken. However, I still believed that the Lord could do whatever He wanted with this baby. I even had dreams about him...yes, him. The name Elijah settled in my heart for him. I had a dream of a single flame burning in my womb...however, I think the flame had two meanings. One, that this baby was fiery and two, that this journey would be a refining fire for me.

I went back for another ultrasound. As I stepped off the elevator, I glanced at a woman walking down the hall. Her shirt said, "expect miracles." I felt hopeful and peaceful. We saw and heard the heartbeat that day. Such a beautiful sight and sound!

A whole week went by and another ultrasound showing a growing baby with a strong heart beat. I was still told I wasn't out of the woods yet...that this was still a threatened pregnancy. Three days after the last sonogram, I started bleeding again. This time, I felt like, was it. I waited to call the doctor. Only after the urging of my friend did I call her. She saw me immediately. The ultrasound showed, yet again, a growing baby with even a stronger heart beat. I was hopeful and even joyful but still perplexed. Why was I bleeding?

The bleeding did not stop. I miscarried last Friday. Matt and I were able to pray over the little baby (barely over 1 cm) before we let it go. It was truly a healing time. There has been a text that resonates with me so much lately...

2 Samuel 12:22 - 23..."While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, 'Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?' But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

It sounds sad, but it's so hopeful...to be reunited with our little Elijah...to know that David grieved as we grieve and hoped as we hope. Through all of this, the Lord has still shown Himself to be good and do good. He has been gracious to rescue this child from a life of pain and heartache to be with Him in glory. How merciful is our God?

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16 - 18

My due date was officially December 2nd...but the internet said November 29th. I was pulling for November 29th :) I would have been 8 weeks around today. I am praying that you have a completely uneventful and healthy pregnancy with a sweet baby to hold in December. I love you, sweet friend. I hope I haven't shared too much. Unfortunately, you asked me how I am and I'm not one to say "fine."

Love you,

Sunday, April 13, 2008


My friend Kristyn tagged me to write a six word memoir...here it is...







Now for the rules:

the instructions are to write your own six word memoir.
post it on your blog, including an illustration if you’d like.
link to the person that tagged you in your post and to the original post if possible so that it can be tracked as it travels across the blogosphere.
tag at least five more blogs with links.
leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

The lucky ones are:

Molly A, Dawntoya T, Holly J, Barkley L & Keri C

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Broken Record or CD...whichever...

Don't you hate it when you discover one of your favorite cd's (that you somehow forgot to download to iTunes) is scratched beyond repair? Not even a good flush in the toilet can fix it. The huge scratch just happens to rip through the best part of the best song? So instead of the beautiful crescendo of instruments and voice, you get a "whig-it, whig-it, whig-it" sound? Or just the beginning of a word over and over and over again? So frustrating.

You will have to endure something similar to the likes of that in this next paragraph.

The Lord has brought back, once again, once again, once again..oops, sorry about that...let me fix it...there we go...to a text in Scripture that I am clinging to right now.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

I am enduring something that seems as if it has the power to crush me. In weaker moments, I even feel a teetering towards despair. My heart feels not only struck down but about to be obliterated into a million pieces.

I want to resonate with 2 Corinthians 4:7 - 10 to the very depths of my core but am having a hard time. Maybe it's because the "treasure" I carry has not been my treasure. Perhaps I have set my hope, my expectations, my desires on something else...on a treasure that can't stand the weight of being afflicted, perplexed, persecuted or struck down.

Lord, help me to make You my treasure. Help me to carry in my body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in me...so that though I endure something that should crush me, that should drive me to despair, that should leave me forsaken, that should destroy me, the redeeming power of Christ's risen life would rise within and sustain me. To the glory of your Name.